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Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie,
who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here." |
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I once rang the Home Shopping Network.
The host said "Can I help you" I said "No, I'm just looking" |
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Concerning the financial crises and how the security package of the E.U. works
 A tourist enters an hotel in Greece. Puts 100 € on the table and request the receptionist for the room keys of all rooms to compare them. He payed the 100 for a deposit. The receptionist gives him all the keys because no guest is staying at the hotel. While the tourist is starting to observe the rooms the receptionist is running to the butcher and gives him the 100 € for open bills. The butcher is running to the farmer and gives them the 100 € for the pig which isn't payed yet. The farmer is running to the prostitute and gives her the 100 € for the last visit. The prostitute is running to the receptionist and gives him the 100 € for open room bills. In this moment is the tourist coming downstairs and said it doesn't like any room. Give back the keys to the receptionist, takes the 100 € and is going off. The highest interesting thing ? All debits are payed now but nobody has any money. The rescue package of the E.U. works in similar way. This  or that  Of Course No Offend To Our Members From Greece |
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An Irish man and his son went to the zoo, a sign says "feed the elephant a bun to get your age"
The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stamps its foot 6 times "WOW" says the boy thats right i am 6. You have a go Dad. The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun...A moment later the elephant farts and stamps its foot twice, be jesus thats right said the father, i am farty two! |
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Today I have got a short one
 Two priests are ringing the bell of their church. While they are doing this the one is saying: Oh nothing happens in our community. No marriages, no burials... Yes I agree is the other saying and if I wouldn't go under the folks we would have no Christenings too OMG Best Greets |
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I try again
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A. A vampire only sucks blood at night. Management lessons no business school can teach Lesson No.1 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson No.2 A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot the turkey out of the tree. Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson No.3 When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a**hole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the a**hole being the Boss. So the a**hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the a**hole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the sh*t! Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any a**hole will do. Lesson No.4 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! Management Lesson: 1) Not everyone who drops sh*t on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep sh*t, keep your mouth shut! And to end EVER WONDER WHY... .......why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? .......why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? .......why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? .......why "abbreviated" is such a long word? .......why doctors call what they do "practice"? .......why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98? .......why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? .......why the man who invests all your money is called a broker? .......why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? .......who tastes dog food when it has a "new &improved" flavor? .......why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes? .......why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? .......why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ? .......why sheep don't shrink when it rains? .......why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? .......if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? .......why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe? AND... In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating..." (...and you thought????...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while. Kind Regards Shaky |
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I'm not good in jokes
, but here is one i found :3 nuns, one of them a Mother Superior die in a carcrash, and go to heaven. St Peter is waiting for them, and says; You will have to answer a question before you may enter. So he asks the 1st nun Who was the 1st man on earth? Adam she replies. Right, he says, you're in. At the 2nd nun he asks, Who was the 1st woman on earth? Eve, she answers. You're in, St Peter says. Then he turns to the Mother Superior. As you are higher in rank your question must be more difficult. So here it is; What did Eve say when she saw Adam for the 1st time? The Mother Superior scratches her head and says, well that's a hard one. Says St Peter, OK you're in too Kind Regards Shaky |
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superbo wrote:The shortest one I know:  Big sorry, but that's the last I wanted to get for a support when I opened this thread Sorry where is the joke, all I see is impoliteness Anyway best regards |
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The shortest one I know:
Bend down, fairy. A wish is a wish! Anyone a shorter one ? Have a good time... |
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Hi here is a very old one, it is one of the first jokes I have ever heard in my life when I was young
A farmer is walking along the road with one of its cows. Suddenly a friendly car driver is stopping and offering to pick him up in its car to his farm. That's very kind but how about the cow ? is the farmer asking for. No problem said the driver we can tie it up on the hitch with a rope. So they do. The driver starts the car and is driving with a speed of: 30 km/h: The cow is able to run this speed. The farmer means to the driver it is no problem to drive a bit faster. 50 km/h: The cow has no problems to hold the speed. Now is the driver saying I want to put the cow on a hard test. The farmer has no obligations. 80 km/h: The cow is getting orange and starting to blink with the left eye The driver is scared and ask the farmer for what happens with the cow. Don't worry said the farmer it has only started to overtake us Have a nice weekend
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On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following
people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman 2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later, the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean, one look at the Polish woman and started swimming. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, and how her relationship with her mother is improving. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions. The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both 'bloody wankers". Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied that at least the English aren't getting any. Regards Joker Joker |
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up
their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent." Have a nice weekend Joker |
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After some passed time here is a new little funny story and I hope you will like it
Priests never lie A Lady is sitting beside a priest in an airplane and requests him to do a favor for her. The priest is asking for what can he do for her. Hm I bought a very expensive new Lady shaver but I fear to have to pay a lot of money for it at the customs. Could you hide it under your gown to pass the customs?  The priest means that he can do this but the problem is he cannot lie. Some minutes later and after some thinking he let her give it him and means he will get an idea. After the landing when they come to the customs the officer is asking the priest for if he has to pay duty on something. The priest answers: I don’t have to pay duty on anything from my head to the middle of my body. An astonished officer is asking for the other half downwards from the middle. There, the priest is saying, is an apparatus for Ladies but it has never been in use.  A laughing customs officer is saying: The next, please. Have a nice weekend
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I hope you like it here is another story with a refer to the real life.
Why is it so necessary to be always on time ? The catholic priest in a small community has its 25 years anniversary. During his speech he is saying: I can remember of my arrival here very exactly today 25 years ago. Just in the first hour came a man and requested to confess. He told that he had sex outside his marriage, visited a brothel and got a sexually transmitted disease there. I thought OMG where I am come for? But during the passed years I learned to know the people better and better and found out they are good religious. In between the mayor of the community arrived at the feast - 20 min too late. After the priest has finished his speech he is entering the podium. At first he excuses for its delay and than he is speaking: We are very happy that you are priest in our community and let me say I have all reason to thank you in person. I was the first who could confess to you…. For the life ? Be always on time Have a nice weekend |
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